Cry

Well...I guess it's been awhile.

I know I haven't made an entry in quite a bit. But I suppose life has kept me a little busy. I promise to make a meaningful post as to my current status in life later, but I wanted to make this for another reason.

My mother is finally losing her last parent. My grandfather died last year, after fighting cancer for six years, and two years of radiation treatment, on top of another year of rehabilitation. Learning how to speak and eat again. (The cancer was focused in his throat.)

My grandmother had a severe case of alzheimer's disease. Making her forget things quite easily. She would go to sleep at 9 pm and wake up at 3 am, brew coffee and sit in the kitchen for when she had to go to work at 9 am. Just sitting there. Staring at the wall. Doing nothing. Then when questioned she wouldn't remember any part of the whole morning.

They decided to operate after a small seizure paralyzed the left side of her body. The surgery was a success after rehabilitation. On the other hand after she was sent home my aunt sent her to an old folks home. For the sake that they couldn't keep up with her care anymore. And scared that she might have a worse attack than the seizure.

Little to say, she wasn't happy. She cursed my aunt for sending there, telling her not to come back unless it was to take her home. (My aunt is a very emotional woman and took it very hard to hear her mother, who she loves, say that.)

I found out yesterday and tonight that she's been ripping the feeding tube they had to surgically place in her stomach. She's unhappy, her quality of life is gone, and my mom is confident that she's finally giving up living. Having lost her husband, her children spread across the country and the one nearest giving up on her, per say.

My mother is leaving to go see her mother one last time, sure she will only let herself pass, after allowing her children to see her one last time. She's been almost taunted by the fact that the week after she had last visited her father, he died.

I can't help but feel completely useless knowing my mom is struggling emotionally with this. I never knew either grandparent quite well so I feel I am too objective on the matter while there are blood-relatives of my own dying, while I continue to feel nothing. No remorse, no regret, simply the frustration of knowing my own mother is going through something very hard in her life and that I can't do anything.

We had fought about my grandfather. Because I hadn't felt as bad as she or my sister did after he had passed. I never truly knew the man. A WWII veteran, a free mason, a business owner, community head. All of those thing he was, but I never really knew him as a grandfather or generally a family member. His home was the place I went to as a child to enjoy nature, take a month off of school to relax, and get a lot of reading done on a first story stone porch; wooden bench swing, on a cool sunny or even breezy rainy day.

I've always been the person she ranted to. Never asked advice, simply ranted and confided in. She's gone from horrible relationship to horrible relationship and I've only been an outside spectator. While I would without hesitation act if anything serious happened, I knew, and felt that no matter what I said or did, that it didn't matter. She would go about her life to make her own mistakes. Which is fine, because now I can finally acknowledge who I got that train of thought from.

But since I had moved out for the first time, I feel like I'm not that person anymore. She doesn't talk to me the same way she used to. Doesn't confide in me as much. I feel a little hopeless in helping her.

Doesn't take advice, refuses to admit defeat, simply moving on with his or her own experience to improve their own quality of life. Well I suppose if anything, I got one great thing from my mom. If you don't count my stubbornness.

Thanks Mom.
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Smile

Update? Who does that.

So. Yes. I neglected you. My fanbase. I'm SOOOOO sorry. :/

So let me make a short recap. I can't quite recall the state of mind I was in with my last post....or generally what was going on in my life. So I'll try to make the best summary of current/recent events as possible.

I'm currently living with my parents. With Jenna living with me aswell. It's not exactly the high life, nor is this the ideal home for us, but it's something to hold us over on our quest for a private home.

I transferred out of my old store back to my hire store. The manager and I had not gotten along well enough to keep a professional relationship anymore. So taking the high road as he tried to get my fired I escaped to my old manager, who I respect and who I only ever had problems with because of Amanda. Which is fine seeing as she's ancient history now.

Jenna's keeping two steady parttime jobs ontop of going to school, which is fairly impressive in my eyes, seeing as I had trouble keeping one fulltime job and going to school parttime.

My hobbies havn't changed much. Minus my huge lop of time in World of Warcraft, and after I swore for years I'd never get sucked into it, it took my ex-roommates to finally get me to submit. And I won't lie it is prettty addictive. Especially after joining a raiding guild. (For you non-WoW players, a raid is a group of players for 10 player or 25 player dungeons. Being in a raiding guild is just a better means of getting people to raid the dungeon with you, rather then having to look for individuals who wants to participate.) My Shadow Priest is almost completely decked out in 9.5 tier (Highest level items) which is awesome. But seeing as I'm a priest (one of the worst damaging classes in the game) it's still a pain in the ass to get into groups, because my DPS (damage per second) is still too low. Off that geeky topic.

I beat Borderlands with my brother tonight, which is a first person shooter, with RPG elements. Which is amazing because I've always real-time RPGs, and this thing took my fancy and made it reality. The math elements and idea that even a low level can outwit/kill a high level monster with pure skill rather then equipment is something I always enjoyed in this game. The idea of being a badass fucking sniper and going "That guy is 3 levels higher then me. Can't go there because he'd rape the shit out of me." always annoyed the FUCK out of me. So to be able to go "Guy is higher level then me...It'll be a challenge, but it's only a fucking AI, watch me shoot the fucking fingernails off this bitch."

The game from start to finish is enthralling I'll say the storyline isn't exactly compelling or enticing, but the gameplay and general consistant challenge to the player is always nice. Random enemy spawn levels. And the more players doing the same quest causes the game to up the difficulty almost to a random effect. Going from "Mildly hard" to "FUCK YOU QUIT THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW, DIFFICULT." An example being when Jack and I played a quest that was mildly difficult, but never really posed a threat to us. While when me and Pete had done the mission not even a week earlier, we were swarmed with so many high level elementals that I nearly fucking spiked the controller wondering how the hell we were supposed to beat it.

All and all the game is epic awesome, and I recommend it to anyone.

Speaking of my brother, I want to take a second to say I never really talk about him much, because he never really had a huge impact in my life other then being a brother/family. But let me say, he's grown to be quite the fucking genius if I do say so myself. His laziness reminds me of a certain someone *cough* but overall intelligence doesn't suprise me, coming from the genes he does. But his brains are something I'm alittle less impressed with rather his fucking mindblowing FPS skills.

I always tried my best to keep him into the games like I was so that eventually one day I'd have someone to co-op with. And let me say this. The boy has yet to let me down. His math smarts in some games could probably use some tutoring but FPS/beat'em ups the boy is a freaking maniac. Jack can atest to this. I will say his greatest game so far is CoD; MW (Call of Duty; Modern Warfare) both the sequel and original. I've seen him completely massacre the other team so quickly, his own team was left wondering what the hell just happened. He's a crack shot with every gun, can distiguish ever single sound in the game from a foot step 10 yards from his character to what gun was shot across the map. I'm thoroughly impressed so much that I dare anyone to challenge him, and would be willing to lay money on the line for him. I want to start getting him in some tournaments as soon as possible. Maybe show him the profit of his skill/training that I discovered so long ago.

Hm...What else. I've been trying to rediscover alot of my old friends, and people I used to not even consider friends. I think it's gone suprisingly well, despite my lack of hang out time because of work/raiding and wanting to keep my head in the fighting game scene.

I think that's about all I have to attention span to say for now, I'll add something later if I feel I forgot something.
Tact

Wow.

Raiding the guild bank that I gave you access to before you left the guild. Real. Mature.

I really hate people sometimes, and wonder why I havn't become a hermit in the mountains yet :/
Ponder

Seriously?

I know I'm an asshole/jerk/whatever you want to call me. But grudges and not dropping/getting over things is fucking retarded. It happens. I apologize. We move on. Or you profess your overwhelming need to never see me again. Otherwise, passive aggressive-ness is the most childish thing I've ever seen.

FUCK.

Also I don't update this much anymore because there is little motivation, if you want to know what I'm doing, message me on facebook, or IM me. Thanks.
Smile

Can't-get-to-sleep-midnight-ranting

OMG I love my girlfriend, I can't express this enough, she's hot, smart, and a fucking nerd, what did I do so right to deserve her? I have no idea. I know for most of my life I've been seen as the cynical realist who everyone thinks is a downer, but with her in my life nothing really ever seems that bleak anymore. I love Jenna. <3<3<3

BlazBlue, game comes out on June 30th, It's Guilty Gear 2.0....er....3.0 seeing as 2 was a bunch of 3d beat'em'up Dynasty Warriors crap. I can't wait to get it, and hopefully be playing it with Jason/Pete/Jack/Mitch a whole bunch. The art is amazing, the same musical direction for GGXX, and the characters seem interesting to say the least. Each character has a crest which represents them...(I'm still working on getting high res scans of each) but it definitly looks like possible tattoo material. Which I'm still interested in having done. (Aswell as a few piercings when I can take the time off to get them.)

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Anime, not much going on, I can blame Jason for my new uber love of Kamen Rider series, but that's just it, there's so much to watch, we're trying to finish Den-O together, while I also watch Decade on the side with Jack and myself. Downloaded the Tengen Toppa Movie, which was nice, the ending wasn't REALLY the ending but left it at a good note with an alternate 20-30 minutes of footage, lots of fanservice and the best scenes pretty much re-animated. Overall, really nice.

Manga, can't really get into this so much as FUCK I READ TOO MUCH MANGA. I'll try to list a current check list of what I'm working on getting through at some point, and if anyone has any questions or is reading the same stuff maybe we can talk about it?

Music, other then alternating between tracks with the BlazBlue soundtrack I've started listening to Galneryus again, with a new band recommend by my best buddy Jared, called Wintersun, which is pretty much best summed up by Symphonic Death Metal Ballads. Also got the 4 albums for Samurai Champloo by Nujabes back and I'm also thinking about starting a acoustic guitar music collection.

Other then that, I'm still looking for a possible roommate around Dec/Jan. To move into a house with me and Jenna, still looking for the place in question, but if you're interested give me a hollar.

I think that's it? THAT'S IT!!
Ponder

Liars

People who told me life was some horribly difficult and hard obstacle to get through must have been on some serious drugs. Because despite some downs, it's been nothing but shits and giggles.

<3

PS; The same goes for loving relationships, I think a majority of people just don't understand their partners or know how to treat them; or pursue that knowledge if that.